Diego: How many married men have you done?
Devon: One married guy, but it was awful, and I still cringe when I think of that.
Diego: You cringe because it was immoral or because it was bad sex?

It is not very often that one can witness a sincere, superego-free sex talk. Sexual sincerity and unfiltered exchange of private words can only be healthy for the soul. And although spewing out the personal has never been an American favorite, it gives life to all the great things prudish oppression so often manages to muffle. But if it’s felt, it won’t die, it will simply accumulate, lodged in knots elsewhere, ready to explode some day. If it is true and no one is getting hurt: why hide?

In this candid dialogue between columns and worlds the writers unabashedly, and insightfully, discuss the peculiarities of being young, sexual and free in an urban realm saturated with nameless faces, inescapable urges and unspeakable drives. And they end up inevitably revealing much about their own pleasure-seeking agendas.

Diego: This is great, my column and yours finally get to marry.

Devon: Yeah I get lonely in Features all alone.

Diego: It's kind of like He-Man and She-Ra coming together in the same episode.

Devon: So what are we covering?

Diego: This being the East Side guide and you being Devon we should probably cover the area’s sexual possibilities.

Devon: Great, can I throw in ex-boyfriends addresses?

Diego: Sure, the Post is in dire need of more lawsuits. Can I throw in a couple rape fantasies?

Devon: All fun and games until we all get hate mail.

Diego: I think all hate mail is really love mail.

Devon: Do you think that the bars, parking lots and neighborhoods will be proud of being mentioned?

Diego: This may just end up being about how slutty we/you are.

Devon: OK with me.

Diego: Though, you know, they say a slut is simply someone who gets laid more often than you do.

Devon: Isn't that what my column is all about?

Diego: Yeah, I always get "hey, do you know that Devon girl, is she for real?"

Devon: I am, in the flesh.

Diego: Some people think you are a made up character, because god forbid a girl who actually enjoys sex and talks openly about it! So, between you and me, have you done any of your readers after a naughty exchange of fan mail?

Devon: No, but I have considered going out with one. The Internet is weird, I want to see what people look like first, you know?

Diego: It's called "send me a jpg."

Devon: But, for example, my Post photo is four years and 30 pounds old, so …

Diego: You can always set up a foursome; one of the three guys is bound to be doable.

Devon: I have considered that.

Diego: How would you describe the common East Side guy in bed?

Devon: They are more likely to be open-minded about sex, and trying new things, but also more attentive. Just like the collared shirts and perfect hair, they feel the need to impress in bed. I like that.

Diego: I hate to generalize it, but I prefer guys more around 37th and Capitol, if you know what I mean. Some East Side guys tend to be a bit too proper in bed, sterile, awfully afraid to do the wrong thing.

Devon: It almost seems like it's an act, do this, then this, OK, turn my head now …

Diego: I know, mechanical.

Devon: It seems rehearsed a lot. But one of my East Side exes knew exactly when to grab a handful of hair and render me immobile.

Diego: Perhaps there is a proportional relationship between education and sexual drive. The more educated you get, the more boring you are in bed? And since the East Side is so dominated by the university then it kind of plagues the system, perhaps.

Devon: I don't know if the correlation is toward boring, but maybe over-thinking. People who are less educated rely more on instinct.

Diego: Some people say the Post is overtly concerned about sex. But given our niche, college students, wouldn't it be hypocritical if we weren't?

Devon: Of course it is, it's college.

Diego: I read you every week and, like most of your readers, I get vicariously laid through you.

Devon: That's sweet. I like your column as well. Love Tyler's “Trouser Snake Diaries” too.

Diego: By the way, did you ever do it on campus?

Devon: No, although there are a lot of rooms that no one ever notices.

Diego: Not even oral?

Devon: Not even oral. I'm telling you, that’s why I am not on the office access list.

Diego: So, let’s cut to the chase here: do you spit or swallow? Straight men are going to love me for asking this.

Devon: I most often use oral for foreplay only, but if I'm with someone, I swallow. How would one go about spitting?

Diego: So if some straight guy, say, was reading this and wanted to receive oral sex from you, how should he proceed? I’m just kidding.

Devon: Getting head from me is not as much of a challenge as one may think. If we are naked in bed, there will be at least a little mouth on genital action.

Diego: So they can just e-mail you and set something up? Like: "Hi my name is Nick, I am a sophomore, undecided major in the North Tower, could you blow me? I'm free Thursdays and Saturdays."

Devon: If I meet someone out, and I dig them, it's probably going to happen. Pour some Jameson in me, I'm good to go.

Diego: Do a lot of straight men refuse to return the favor?

Devon: I don't ask, I'm not big on receiving, but a lot of men seem to take it upon themselves.

Diego: I hear most straight men only wear condoms "if asked." Is that true?

Devon: I don't know. I have had a lot of guys lately bring up condoms; maybe people are getting more responsible sexually.

Diego: America must be the only “developed” country where condoms are still “optional." It must be because as a nation we already feel so indestructible.

Devon: I know, it’s sad.

Diego: Do straight men mind their anuses played with?

Devon: I only throw that in once in a while, but no one has kicked me out of bed yet. Perhaps I am not the right person to ask, as the guys I sleep with seem to give some interest in men as well.

Diego: Do you do many frat guys?

Devon: No, frat guys scare me, I steer clear of Water Street.

Diego: What is your kind of guy?

Devon: Pretty boys, clean and naughty all at once.

Diego: Oh, so like closeted boys?

Devon: I don't know about closeted, but bi-ish. If you can believe in that sort of thing. I think the confusion makes them try harder.

Diego: Where are the most promising places to find a possible lay on the East Side?

Devon: Hi Hat and Nomad are good. And Mantra Lounge, but you may not like what you end up with. But it you are in the right mentality, confident, you can find sex at a library.

Diego: What section?

Devon: Try “Archives.”

Diego: I hear there is a lot of cruising on the 2nd floor restroom at Bolton Hall, for some reason.

Devon: Nice, gotta write that down. In general, I feel the East Side a bit incestuous, in a “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” way, we've all had sex with one another.

Diego: Where on the East Side would you really like to get laid?

Devon: The front booth at Vitucci's would rock. Messed around there once, and two friends of mine did it.

Diego: Have you ever done a professor, TA or staff?

Devon: Not that I know of, a professor once asked me out. I once hit on a TA, but he was taken.

Diego: How many married men have you done?

Devon: One married guy, but it was awful, and I still cringe when I think of that.

Diego: You cringe because it was immoral or because it was bad sex?

Devon: Because it created a nasty string of events causing my near demise, I don't touch married men ever. Commitment phobia runs rampant, and sex is way easier.

Diego: So how big was the biggest group you were involved in sexually?

Devon: I’ve had a few threesomes, but that was the biggest. My ex and I talked about going to a swingers’ party, but it never came about.

Diego: Bummer.

Devon: I once had sex on my ex's front porch, butt-naked, hanging over the railing, facing the street at three in the morning.

Diego: I’ve had a lot of North Side basements, like, while the guy's wife was upstairs. I could hear her steps.

Devon: That's creepy and yet kind of hot. Love naughty sex. I had sex in the parking lot of US Bank, between Blockbuster and Elliot’s, in my ex's car.

Diego: On North Avenue?

Devon: Yes, there were cars driving in and out, someone pulled up next to us, then moved to a different spot. I also had sex on Dragon Lounge's pool table, and coffee table.

Diego: You’ve got a whole list going on there.

Devon: Hey, whatever works. Couldn't make it back to his house, plus we christened his car. I had sex in Treats' parking lot, I think, or in front of Smoky's, but that's Riverwest.

Diego: If we include different neighborhoods we'll be here all day.

Devon: I used to give my ex head while he was on the phone with his mom.

Diego: Everyone does that.

Devon: I wonder if all the moms out there know about this trend.

Diego: You know, unconsciously we are all fucking our moms and dads anyway, so it seems fitting.

Devon: You may have just ruined sex for me. Thanks, Freud.

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