Even the people who are paid to stand in line in front of me perform their jobs with the rigorous aptitude of one who truly enjoys their line of work, comparable perhaps only to parking checkers and DMV employees.

Starbucks offers a quaint and alarmingly premeditated cafe experience of faceless insignificance to those who enjoy the grossly marginal things in life.

Located in key marketing locations throughout Milwaukee, as well as most of North America, Europe and Asia, Starbucks represents the future in a bolder, slightly darker roasted venti-sized container.

The particular Starbucks in review is completely arbitrary due to the multiple layers of vanilla uniformity used to lacquer the walls, employees and patrons of each location. Thus, I reviewed Starbucks is ultimately reducible to an empty claim that fails to refer to a specific location within in our limitless time space continuum “ due to their indiscernibly identical nature.

Upon entering Starbucks, a mild sense of dizziness begins to set in. Dave Brubecks Take Five is gently lofting from a sound system whose volume level has been rigorously tested on various baby animals in order to produce the greatest hypnotically oriented monetary exchanging environment humanly possible.

There is a relaxed and somewhat lackadaisical look to the businessmen paid to sit in visual hotspots and read the New York Times while sipping from coffee mugs. In addition, they occasionally answer make-believe phone calls to stockbrokers in order to project an air of sophistication and financial elegance, thus further adding to the hip charm of the locale.

Even the people who are paid to stand in line in front of me perform their jobs with the rigorous aptitude of one who truly enjoys his line of work, comparable perhaps only to parking checkers and DMV employees.

Everything appears to be going off exactly as the test marketing conducted several miles below the surface of the planet Mars reported it would.

Time itself slows to a grinding halt as a peculiar sense of particularity weighs heavily upon the minds of the paid patrons ordering their drinks in front of me. Will it be a venti vanilla latte with whipped cream decaf triple mocha today? Or perhaps a mucho grande sugar free double chocolate chunk taffy cappuccino served with a slice of bread baked with lemons?

The wealth of pampered drinks flows like a meaningless waterfall into the mouths of humans and effortlessly captivates the souls and imaginations of our children in ways that the Disney Corporation could only dream of making happen.

There is the slight hum of electricity in the air that appears to be emanating from the cyborgs dressed in Starbucks aprons behind the counter. These robotic entities are programmed to project an overabundance of false charm and a brutally jovial disposition in order to compensate for the absurd levels of misery that most people find themselves meaninglessly existing in.

Something is catastrophically wrong here. I cant help but feel as though I have been recklessly thrown into a 60s Twilight Zone episode where everyone knows that they are dead. Aliens have altered our conception of time, and mathematics no longer makes sense.

This corporate giant will continue to carefully plant new nodes around the world in hopes of siphoning money away from the smaller, independent businesses that have existed for years.

The Starbucks corporate monster will continue to project values of homogeneity, blandness, and so-so tasting coffee in the hopes of generating an absurd amount of revenue.

If Starbucks really wanted to win the hearts of people around the world, it would offer a bartering system for their goods and services. I should be able to go to a Starbucks with beaver pelts or freshly killed livestock and be able to walk out with buckets of cappuccino.

There is an extreme sickness in my stomach and no amount of false charm belching from the faces of Starbucks employees is going to eradicate this hopeless situation. This coffee tastes like agony and I hate myself for drinking it.

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