This writer cares about his readers and their ability to buy dime bags enough to offer these helpful, realistic tips on saving money this winter season.

Yeah, it’s here. Whether or not they’re still wearing Corona Light flip-flops at the campus brodeos this weekend, winter has arrived. And since we live in the great Midwest, winter means it’s as cold as Strom Thurmond’s reception at a Black Panther rally.

Slipping on ice in front of beautiful women, scraping frozen snot off of our upper lips, and wearing raccoon skin underwear are all things we Wisconsites have learned to put up with for this season every year. But there is one thing that comes every winter that is the most unfortunate of all: a gargantuan bill from the sharks at We Energies.

It sneaks up on us like a Brady Street bum, and empties our pockets like a Maryland Avenue mugger at 2 a.m. There is seemingly no way to avoid paying over $150 a month to have lukewarm air pumped into our drafty apartments.

We Energies graciously supplies us with bogus “tips” which supposedly are useful to keep energy use down and consequently lower bills. But no normal college student is going to “purchase Energy Star windows”, “warm with a space heater”, or “let the sun in.”

These tips are obviously meant for the elderly home owners who have nothing better to do than insulate their windows and doors on the weekends.

College students, on the other hand, need quick, effective ways to save their parents’ money, which they will then be able to spend on weed, Adderall or Bibles.

Lucky for them, this writer cares about his readers and their ability to buy dime bags enough to offer these helpful, realistic tips on saving money this winter season.

1. Get more drunk, more often

Any respectable hobo will tell you that the warmest blanket available can be found in a bottle of booze, and who knows more about being smart and staying toasty than a hobo?

The Post recommends “Not Bad for Seven Dollars” Whiskey, or a Night Train, the finest wine this side of Tallahassee.

2. Drape dead animals around yourself, all the time

If you’ve ever seen Jennifer Lopez in the fall/winter/spring season, you know fur makes everyone look both sexier and classier, all while keeping you as warm as Selena’s sickening smile. Mink, beaver and fox are all cool carcass options, or, if you want to be more cutting-edge, go for the German Shepherd look, which was SO big on the Milan catwalks this season.

3. Have more house parties

The human body creates an extraordinary amount of heat, especially when digesting General Tso’s chicken and Baja Chalupas. Take advantage of this simple fact and gather your friends, get a keg of Coors Light, and warm up that house with good old-fashioned body heat.

Plus: Charging five bucks a cup not only adds to your newfound wealth but also gives you an excuse to act like you have some authority in front of your girlfriend.

4. Start a controlled fire in your bathtub

We call this one the “Lisa Lopes.” Though some landlords may discourage this, what a landlord doesn’t know won’t hurt him, and he’s probably going to take your security deposit anyway.

So gather those Little Caesar’s boxes, find some new tennis shoes, and fire it up like it’s Andre Rison’s mansion.

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