I am born again, and I have ‘Lake Placid 2’ to thank for that.

A few days ago I had an epiphany: the last 10 months of my life have been a complete waste. Well, not a complete waste. Sure I’ve been happy, but the realization that I’ve been wasting my Netflix account on quality films has shaken me to the core.

Gone are the days when I fill my precious Queue with Oscar winners, art house classics and foreign masterpieces. No longer will directors like Kurosawa, Bergman and Kubrick flood my mailbox. I will never again have to suffer through my mailman complimenting me on my choice of film.

I am born again, and I have “Lake Placid 2” to thank for that.

“Lake Placid 2” is pretty much the most amazing film of the last century or so. It’s got not one, not two, nor even three monster crocodiles. That’s right kiddo, there are four monster crocs that are tearing up the titular lake in the beautiful Maine countryside.

With acting that rivals “Ice Spiders,” the movie is an epic tour-de-force that stuns at every turn. The emotional connection between the two leads is reminiscent of Bogart and Bacall, but roughly twice as awesome.

This might be a spoiler, but so is giving away the ending of the Bible, so I don’t mind telling you this: Before destroying the final croc with a whole bunch of plastic explosives, the main character channels his inner Brando and quips, “After while crocodile.” Ask yourself this: is that a great line, or the greatest line?

It’s amazing how entertaining a terrible movie can be. Sometimes it’s nice to take a break from an intense Holocaust documentary like “Night and Fog,” and just unwind with “War Bus,” a film about a yellow school bus single handedly propelling America to victory during the Vietnam War.

Over the past few days, I have added a whole slew of fairly god-awful movies to my Queue. From 90s action rejects like “The Specialist” and “On Deadly Ground,” to horror failures like “House of the Dead” and “The Gingerdead Man,” the top 10 movies on my list have an average rating of 1 out of 5. Somehow, I am completely content with that.

Maybe it’s because watching these movies give me hope. I say to myself, “If they can make a movie about four poorly animated monster crocs, then why can’t I?” This hope alone keeps me warm during the cold, cold nights.

I think it’s safe to assume that every Netflix subscriber goes through the exact same spectrum of emotions. While it may start out of as invaluable resource for the cream of the film world crop, it will no doubt degrade into a cesspool for all things scummier than the depths of Lake Placid.

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