Over the next three weeks, this column will chronicle the big films of the summer, and just how likely they are to make you cry.

Summer’s almost here, and that can only mean three things. Boozing during the day will become increasingly more prevalent, feet will bleed because of your unflinchingly rigid stance on wearing flip-flops, and you will leave the movie theater dozens of times with a severe feeling of disappointment.

It seems like every summer starts off with copious amounts of excitement for movies, but by the end of August, we look back over the past few months and realize that we’ve been hornswoggled by the studios.

Over the next few weeks, this column will chronicle the big films of the summer, and just how likely they are to make you cry. So without further adieu.

May 2- “Iron Man”

Level of disappointment: Tissues at the ready.

As much as I love Robert Downey Jr. (I’d freebirth his babies any day of the week.)

I’ve lost all faith in Marvel movies after the third “X-Men” and ”Spider-Man” movies. Until my fears are alleviated, I’m going to assume the worst from the company.

One thing that the movie does have going for it is that Iron Man is the only superhero I can recall who’s an alcoholic, thus, the only superhero that I can truly relate with. There is a slight glimmer of hope, because the trailers don’t look half bad. Then again, I said the same thing about Ang Lee’s “Hulk,” and that turned into a disaster that rivaled Chernobyl.

May 9- “Speed Racer”

Level of disappointment: Maybe some silent weeping.

The brothers Wachowski (which may now be the siblings Wachowski if the rumors of a sex change are true) have had a scattered career. While the first “Matrix” and “V for Vendetta” are heralded as classics, most would happily forget the final two “Matrix” films.

In all fairness, “Speed Racer” does have a truly unique look to it that seems to have captured the feel of a cartoon that few films ever have. Plus, it has John Goodman.

I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, but I have a feeling that this could turn out to be the most entertaining blockbuster of the summer.

May 16- “The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian”

Level of disappointment: Do you really care?

Does anyone really have anything invested in this movie? The original “Narnia” flick was a poor man’s “Lord of the Rings.” This one looks to be a middle-class man’s “Lord of the Rings.” However, one thing it does have is centaurs. And as we all know, centaurs never disappoint. Never.

May 23- “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull”

Level of disappointment: Don’t worry about it.

I’m sure a lot of you will assume that the movie is going to disappoint just like the “Star Wars” prequels did, but I think it’s about time you got over that. Plus, Steven Spielberg has a tendency to release some pretty epic movies, and even if they aren’t brilliant, they’re usually fun to watch. You should have no worries forking over your cash to see an elderly Harrison Ford explode some Nazis. In fact, you should pay double when going to the theater, because you’re helping fund the anti-Nazi/pro-whip movement of 2008.

That’s pretty much how May is looking to shape out. There’s also a movie coming out on May 30 based on some show called “Sex and the City.” It sounds like a smut flick, so it probably won’t be at your local theater.

Next week, we’ll dissect the disappointment of movies hitting theaters up until the dog days.

> Comments