Have you ever wondered why a relationship didn’t work out or what you were doing wrong not to have a date? Are you in a relationship but think that you’re not getting what you need out of it? Do you know how to effectively communicate your needs to your partner or potential partner? Are you ready to find “the one?” I recently read a book that may just help you with all of that: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller.
I was having issues effectively communicating with my husband. We’d break out into large fights. It started bothering me and I wasn’t sure what to do. I turned to my therapist for advice and she recommended this book. At first, I was a little put off because I could never get into non-fiction books, but I gave it a try. Boy, am I glad I did!
The book first goes helps you identify your attachment style: anxious, secure, or avoidance. After you learn your attachment style, it then goes on to tell you more about each style, the way each handle relationships, and how to determine the attachment styles of the people you are dating, married to, or potential partners. Then it gives advice on how to deal with certain partnerships, especially the anxious-avoidant relationship. I found this advice extremely helpful, especially when examining past relationships and why I have become the way I am today when it comes to relationships.
I have an anxious attachment style, meaning that I need to be reminded that I’m loved every occasionally. I also tend to jump to conclusions about relationship issues quicker, causing much anxiety and strife in my relationship. The men I dated in the past had avoidant attachment styles which meant they wanted relationships, but still wanted to maintain the independence they felt while single. This meant that when I was craving attention and needed to be love, they would push away, fearing that their independence would be infringed upon. I would act up, fearing they didn’t love me anymore, a fight would start, and we’d end up going our separate ways. This caused me to put a wall up and become very protective of my heart.
My husband also has an anxious attachment style, but he’s more secure than I am. He has a better sense of how to communicate his needs in a relationship than I do. Since he has Asperger’s, he’s not able to translate emotions and certain situations as well as others can, which causes the anxious personality. This book has helped us both learn how to better communicate to each other, especially when we don’t understand the other’s reaction. I’ve learned to take a step back and calm down when I’m provoked and better relate what the problem is. Because of this book, our relationship has grown stronger and we’ve had less fights.
The beginning of the book is a bit slow. I found it hard to get into as there was repetition and promises of what it would teach you later. I stuck with it and am glad I did. The advice was extremely useful. I find myself becoming more secure within my relationship and my own skin. I also believe that it helped me with my unromantic relationships by teaching me not to worry about coming off too anxious. I highly suggest this quick read.