I’m sorry that I suck at taking care of you; I keep you up all night and then make you work on four hours of sleep. I’m sorry that I starved you for weeks after my first boyfriend told me that he didn’t love me. I’m sorry I tell you that you’re the reason no one loves us. I’m sorry that my first reaction to seeing you is telling you everything that is wrong with you and not everything that is right. I’m sorry that I try to hide you every chance I get: in person, in pictures, even when I’m alone. I’m sorry that I constantly compare you to everyone around me and shame you for not looking like them. I’m sorry that I constantly looked at you in the mirror, pulled at you, and screamed “LESS LESS LESS” at the top of my lungs in my head. I’m sorry that I poked, pinched, scratched, bruised, and scarred you over and over again because of my unhappiness.
I’m sorry that I still think of doing it to this day. I’m sorry that I never picked you up after you fell. I didn’t think we were worthy of any help. I’m sorry that I take joy and happiness from away from you because all that I can focus on is everything we have done wrong. I’m sorry that I kept you in danger for so long because I was afraid of an unknown future.
I’m sorry that I’ve spent so many years telling you that you were anything other than perfect, amazing, inspiring, and beautiful. I’m sorry that I never thought you were enough, for anyone else or for me. I’m sorry for never listing all the things I love about you: your blue-gray eyes, your freckles, the way your nose crinkles up when you laugh or smile. I’m sorry that I let my insignificant worries about you disrupt your peace.
I’m sorry that it took me so long to give you the love and care that you deserve. I’m sorry for never telling you that you are incomparable, that you are ENOUGH.
I will spend the rest of our lives healing you. I will cover you in my favorite drawings, letters, and symbols to show you how much I love you. I will look at you in mirrors and proclaim your beauty to myself and everyone within earshot, regardless if they want to hear me. I will show you that you are powerful, that you can do things beyond comprehension. I will begin each day listing the things we did right yesterday and what we will accomplish today. I will love you more than anyone else in this world can, because I am the only one that needs to love you.
**inspired by Lora Mathis’s “An Apology to My Body”