A romantic film would not be complete without the typical, perfect, spontaneous sex on the beach scene. But let me tell you, when it happens to you, it is far from romantic, far from perfect and you wish you would have planned it out if you had thought the idea through at all.
The movies always show the pre-sex on the beach. There’s heavy kissing and clothes are shed as the screen pans to the sky or to the distance and we fill in our own blanks. We all know they have sex. Then the camera cuts back and they are naked and are laying in towels or blankets, happy and in love.
I am here to tell you that it isn’t like that at all; spontaneous sex on the beach.
The term spontaneous most likely means you are not prepared. So, you probably do not have a blanket or anything to lay on. Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess. You lay on your own clothes in the best way you can.
Did I mention you are on a beach that happens to be 100ft (or less. I suck with distance) from a park of screaming kids who happen to be within eyesight? That sure sets the mood. (I’m sure this is illegal in some fashion but sex always trumps the law.. at least for me it does. *wink wink eye brow thing wink*)
Oh hey, it also happens to be daylight. When you are in the comfort of your own home you can draw the blinds and turn out the lights but on the beach, the sun is blaring down upon you. Don’t even get me started on how I feel about sex with the lights on.
Have you ever thought that a seagull was sexy? No? I thought so. I really don’t think seagulls are sexy. I’ve never been horny and hoped that I would hear screeching seagulls to help set the mood further right before intercourse. I also never wanted to make eye contact with a seagull that was standing a few feet away from me while having sex either. None of these things were on my sexual bucket list.
The wind picks up and it’s cold. Ladies, when you’re cold.. your nipples get so hard they could cut glass. It’s every man’s dream. Your man is living large with your hard nips. When guys get cold, their testicles look like that grape you lost under the couch and later found as a raisin. MM. Wrinkly raisin testicles? I’ll pass.
You know what it is like to try running on the sand. You sink in to it, making it harder to run. Now try getting the proper leverage to have sex without falling into the sand every which way.
You know what? Scratch laying down. There is nothing to lay on and you can’t find a comfortable position in the sand. How about you stand up? Nothing says good times like having your face shoved into tree bark and having a spider crawl down on your hand from the leaf of the tree you are pressed up against.
Sand defies the laws of everything I thought I knew about life. You barely touch the sand but somehow you have sand in your vagina by the end of the ordeal and your whole day is ruined. No wait, your whole week. No wait, it’s your whole life. Have you ever had sand inside your vagina? My life will never be the same.
I made eye contact with a seagull during sex while listening to it screech in unison with the kids at the park while I had sand in my vagina. Think about that next time you wish your life was a romantic movie with sex on the beach. The only sex on the beach I will be having now is the drink, thank you very much. I recommend the same to you.