It’s been a minute since I last sat down and wrote. I mean…I write something practically every day, but I haven’t truly written anything in a long time. My mind has been elsewhere. I’ve been experiencing new things, making exciting memories, falling in love… That’s right. The virgin fell in love. I guess that is the true reason for my absence. But don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten about this column. I have a lot more to write about. So, let’s dive back in:
When I last wrote I was telling you about how I was dating someone who was also a virgin, and had the same beliefs as me. And yet, we never had sex. In my last entry I touched on how it never really “felt right”, which is the truth. Things would heat up, clothes would come off, hands would explore, but something stopped me every time. My mind and body would freeze, panic would take over. Bringing things to a complete halt, I would stop him and myself before it ever got too far.
There was one time though when I truly thought my V-Card was going to be swiped. It was Valentine’s day- cliché I know– and we had a special night planned. He showed up at my place with roses and was wearing my favorite sweater. He looked so handsome… I wanted to rip his clothes off right then. But all in good time. He had an entire day planned for us, and it was incredibly romantic. We went to the Milwaukee Art Museum and indulged ourselves into finer arts. Afterwards we went ice skating at Red Arrow Park—my favorite activity. Then he treated to dinner downtown. It was a day of all our favorite things with my favorite person. The entire time, though, my mind was on one thing…sex. I had this idea that even though I wasn’t fully in love with him, it would be okay to lose my virginity to him, because it was Valentine’s Day and he was a nice guy. Such a silly mentality and I should have known better. I was considering throwing away my beliefs and a huge part of who I am because I thought I had to…or that I should. This is never the case. If you’re saving yourself, wait for what it is that you want. This is your experience, it should be exactly what you want it to be. Even if you’re not a virgin, sex is an intimate experience shared between two people and you should never settle for anything less.
A few weeks before Valentine’s Day, I went to Victorias Secret. I walked around the store looking for something that would make me feel confident, sexy and comfortable — this can be a difficult task — but, after wandering aimlessly, I found something. It was a black silk slip with white lace trimming at the top and around the bottom. Sassy and sweet. I tucked it into the back of my top dresser drawer, knowing that it would sit there until my “big night”.
After a romantic and exciting day out, we returned back to my apartment, and I was ready for the night to start. I had gone into the bathroom to change out of my clothes and into something “more comfortable”, aka the slip. But when I came out, he was dozing off on the couch. That gut feeling was back and screaming from the rooftops that this wasn’t the night. The man I was going to lose my virginity to shouldn’t be asleep on Valentine’s Day. The night I was going to lose my virginity shouldn’t be full of anxiety and vulnerability. So, I turned around, went back into the bathroom and put my sweatpants on. I sat down next to my boyfriend who was sleeping and watched HGTV alone on Valentine’s night.
I’m sure he woke up a little bit later and we probably kissed and cuddled a little… but that was about it. Strange enough, I’m thankful for how things went down that night. It was for the best. Valentine’s day was not the day and he wasn’t the one.
But that black slip still sits in my top dresser drawer.
More coming soon.