Jurassic World: The five questions you need to ask yourself before seeing it

Jurassic World isn’t a piece of crap. But it is, how to put this delicately… digested. You can see the seams of a studio system that is manufacturing a product that checks off boxes for different demographics, going for the widest appeal possible. Most people will be hard pressed to say they didn’t like something in this film. So maybe Jurassic World is like a really nice, satisfying poop. It’s a pedestrian everyday thing that is pleasant enough and better than the rather nasty alternatives. If that sounds like a damning critique, I don’t mean it to be. There are a lot of good, if self serving reasons to see Jurassic World. Jurassic World will be great for people who answer yes to any of these questions.

1. Do you want to get sexually objectified by Chris Pratt?

Chris Pratt is not bad looking. I’m not burying the lede but I am vastly understating his appeal. In Jurassic World he plays Owen an all American, Coca-Cola drinking, Harley riding,  free wheeling ex-military zoo keeper who lives like a really hot well-off hobo. It doesn’t matter that we know nothing about how he got this job or why he’s here, what matters is he is on the dino island and he will fix our problems with his reassuring smile, tight but functional clothing and random motorcycle tinkering.

There are a lot of better writers than me talking about the gender dynamics in the film and the core relationship of the film is a little bit of a fantasy wish fulfillment scenario. I will say though for those who want to be slowly but blatantly sexually objectified by Chris Pratt this is the movie for you.

2. Do you want to see Dinosaurs?

You might be thinking that there are dinosaurs in the trailer and you’d be right. Is that enough dinosaurs though? NO It’s NOT. You will not be satisfied with just one or two dinos, you want a whole team of dino-avengers who team up to stop an evil mad scientist dino. This actually happens in Jurassic World. The dino isn’t one of the mad scientists but that sentence reads better with a tiny lie.

It’s actually really surprising that dinos haven’t been mined in the ultra high budget studio film world yet. It’s only a matter of time before they start showing up in other franchises like the Fast and the Furious to spice things up.

3. Are you a Jurassic Park IP enthusiast?

I think that movies should stand alone as enjoyable experiences without any prior knowledge going in. Nothing is lost on a viewer of this film if they haven’t seen any of the earlier three installments. The easter-eggs which I caught were mostly name drops. A couple sets from the first Jurassic Park film are shown aged twenty years under the harsh jungle environment.

How the film apes moments now classic in the series will hit viewers in different ways. This goes back to the check box nature of the film. There are some fun and brutal evolutions to the now-you-see-me-now-you-don’t killer dino peek-a-boo that the series is known for. Part of the beauty in the older entries was that they didn’t show everything. This film though goes with some over the top kills that leave much less to the imagination. This film is the same but different in a way that will keep fans talking long after the movie is over.

4. 

    In your heart do you miss Jeff Goldblum?

Irrfan Khan and Jake Johnson play the owner of the park and the tech support roles in this film. Both are channeling Jeff Goldblum in some way. Khan is Masrani the savvy business man. Johnson is Lowery the silly comic relief. I really want to refer to him as Mike Lowery but I know that’s not his real name. Together they don’t quite replace Jeff Goldblum and all his hair everywhere. They do both fill that niche where you need someone to say something that’s just a tiny bit wide eyed that tries to be profound.

Johnson in particular broadens this film considerably. The charming slacker modern love antics that you remember from his character Nick on New Girl are here. This is what is the real unique innovation of Jurassic World, making office romance jokes.

5. Do you have two snotty kids that you know you should love more?

I’ve always liked how Spielberg kids were always kind of dweebs. Lovable dweebs who liked books and had glasses, that type of stuff. The kids in this film are played by Nick Robinson as the disaffected older brother and Ty Simpkins as the younger vaguely mentally challenged brother (in like a smart cool adderall way). You might know Robinson from The Kings of Summer or Simpkins from Iron Man Three. The film doesn’t really give them things to do other than bemoan the breaking apart of their parents marriage. It’s not exactly a healthy or viable solution to everyone’s problems to just undergo large amounts of dino based trauma to fix your relationships but you know what, it works for the people in the film. This stilted unexplained sub plot will remind you that those leeches you bought $35 of popcorn for are actually like, really adorable or something.

Jurassic World is now playing at AMC Mayfair and Marcus Theaters.