We work hard to bring you delicious food and your lack of etiquette brings great disappointment.
1. Throwing the Hors d’Oeuvre Pick Back on the Serving Tray You Just Picked it up from.
We know how it goes.
You see the delicious food.
You put the delicious food in your mouth.
You don’t know what to do with the foodless pick.
You panic and hurl the piece of timber back at the server in hopes that it will stick the landing next to its uneaten brethren. What you didn’t think about was the fact that the stick you just used to assault the server is now covered in whatever disease your barbaric mouth caries and it is now sitting on a serving tray next to the snacks for everyone else at the party. Just hold the pick in your napkin and wait for a different server to come around with the diseased-pick disposal tray. Or find a garbage nearby.
2. Pronouncing Empanada as “Empeñada”
We’re not linguists, but you should at least know what the food you’re eating is called.
“Hey man, what do you know about those empeññññadas?” Well, I at least know they’re not called that. I have to imagine this pronunciation confusion comes from white people trying too hard to pronounce Spanish words they think they can pronounce. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of white people out there who can speak Spanish perfectly well, but they don’t seem to attend weddings or fancy events very often.
3. Yelling that you do not want the food the server has despite the fact that five people next to you are eating it.
We can hear the words that are coming out of your mouth, but the mouths in your immediate vicinity are silently and scrumptiously disagreeing.
When a server walks up to your group of people and asks if you want a little cheesy shrimp crostini, they are asking the entire group if they want some. You don’t have to tell us that you have a seafood allergy ninety-seven times. The people next to you don’t have the same allergies and happen to quite enjoy some crostinis, so just shut up and keep your hands off the crustaceans.
4. Asking the Catering Staff to Package all the Leftovers in To-go Boxes
We know you spent way too much money on your wedding and you just want to make sure you get all your money’s worth. But are you really going to eat several pounds of mashed potatoes, risotto, beef and other food before it spoils?
While there is some food that gets thrown out at the end of almost every event, most of the extra food leftover after all the guests have finished eating goes right back to the people who served it to you. We eat all the cold leftover food you didn’t want because we’ve usually been working on an empty stomach for the last five hours while we carry piles of appetizing dinner plates with aromatic steam rising into our nostrils and making our stomachs churn.
We certainly don’t want to see the food we prepared go to waste either. So if you’re worried about food getting thrown out, we always try our best to prevent such a travesty from happening. A little leftover pinot grigio never hurt anyone either.
5. Requesting the Server who is Pouring Wine to Stop what they are Doing and go get you a Beer from the Bar
No sir, you must not have heard that I specifically asked if you would like a glass of either the wine or champagne I am carrying in my hands that are right in front of your eyes.
Everyone, all 200 people are sitting down for dinner with their napkins over their laps, unless you’re one who would rather launch a serving pick at a server with a trebuchet than search for a garbage can, in which case you probably just lit the napkin on fire because you couldn’t figure out what it was for.
The bar is closed. There were three announcements your drunk ass missed stating the bar will reopen after dinner. You want me to stop serving all two-dozen people at the three tables I was assigned so you can get a free Miller High-Life and lower the property value of the venue with your classless taste? Maybe when you mature you’ll understand how much better real champagne is. I promise you’ll like it. It’s like bubbly Welch’s with some alcohol. Patience also tends to come easier when you let the wine and bread do their work.
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