I wake up. My hearts already racing, which isn’t a good sign. I know what’s going to happen, but I ignore it for now. My phone says it’s 5:00 a.m. I won’t be able to go back to sleep, despite how hard I try. I can never get back to sleep once I wake up like this.
A half hour passes and I’m still in bed. I know I’ll have to get up soon and get this over with. It’s the same thing every time. I know that once I’m out of bed, I’ll be spending the rest of the morning in the bathroom, throwing up, crying and wishing I was back asleep.
Now, you wouldn’t know that many of my mornings were like this unless you lived with me. If you knew me, you’d know I have a busy life and an even busier schedule. You’d see that I was always doing things, running around my campus all day.
You wouldn’t see the girl throwing up in her cats’ litter box at 5:45 a.m. because she didn’t have the strength to get off the toilet.
I have been living with high-functioning anxiety for two years now. It all started right in time for me to go to college, and while I had it under control for some time, it comes back and knocks me back down again.
I’m a sophomore in college. I run my school’s newspaper. I’m a Peer Mentor, a leadership role on my campus. I’m part of JAMS Club. I’m an honors student. I freelance for my job back at home. I like having a social life sometimes, too.
This is my life. I’m busy, which I like. I love being involved and I love everything I’m involved in. But what’s difficult to make people understand is the severity of my anxiety and how it truly affects me.
I’ve always been open about my mental health. I’ve told people about what I go through but no one is ever there to experience it but me. Only my mom and my doctor know how much pain I’m in when I’m hit with an anxiety attack.
I’m on anti-depressants. I’ve been taking them for almost a year now. I was diagnosed with a gastrolienal reaction to my stress last summer. I have never met someone who suffers from the same type of anxiety I do.
That’s why I decided to be more open about what I go through. I wanted to document my experiences and what it’s like to wake up, and without any say, just be sick. It’s not pretty, but it’s life.
I always thought I put self-care first, but lately, I realized I haven’t. There has always been this expectation put on me to be great and to be stellar things. After people took that expectation off me, I ended up placing it on myself.
I love making myself busy. I love being places and having more places to be. But I’m learning and realizing my fast-paced life is making me sick.
It’s hard to judge when to stop and when to keep going. Sometimes, your anxiety makes it even more difficult to stop and say no. You feel like you need to get everything done, and if you’re like me, do it perfectly.
Like I said, anxiety isn’t pretty. For me, it’s dark and horrible. I’m not able to make it to classes. I’m instead laying on my bathroom floor, hoping everything passes soon. Some professors don’t understand that I really want to be in class, but I can’t even sit up without being dizzy.
This is life. Sometimes it’s really hard to put yourself first. But I’m learning.
I’m learning how to take deep breaths and forget that I need to be perfect because I don’t need to be perfect. I’m learning how to be open about what I’m going through. I’m learning how to be happy, even if I fail.
Self care isn’t as easy as it sounds. Life can be really difficult, but sometimes, it’s okay to slow down and take a break. I like to remind myself of happy times and being stress-free. I love thinking about the ocean and Walt Disney World. I like to think of the little things to get me through my days.
I am so very sorry about your struggles with anxiety. Either you or your mom need to call me! Do you realize that anxiety runs in our family. Your mom’s Uncle Mike had bad issues that started when he was in college. I’be been on Paxil since I hit menapause. Both of my boys have anxiety, and the way you describe your attacks sound like Grady’s variety of the beast! For a while during and after college, he was hit with severe panic attacks and crazy wild vomiting that would send him to the ER. After several trips to the hospital the doctors were assuming he was addicted to drugs. We think he has something called cyclical vomiting syndrome. It is a mitochondrial disease that is described as migraines to the GI tract. Try to google it to see if you can blame some Kryscio gene for your suffering. Grady has found that pot helps with both the anxiety and the vomiting, but your Grandpa would be upset with me if I suggested that! The thing is you might have a conversation with your doctor about this. There are meds that can help so much of this so don’t give up on finding something that will help. The Buhl’s are in your corner and you are so amazing and talented, we want you to find some help!!